Last night, I felt something that I havent in a long time. It was a complete numb feeling brought on by racing emotions and pills. It was one of those nights that was ending terribly and that one knows wont get better so I popped a melatonin and some Naproxen (specifically Aleve) and went to bed. This melatonin I bought at Whole Foods (called Bio Align Melatonin Sleep Science) knocks me on my ass and is awesome when I have insomnia. It makes me feel funny right before I crash though...almost like a drunk. On top of that, I cant speak without slurring. But hey it works! Right before I went to bed, I thought about how much I hated life. It was even more bitter than it was back in high school...which was worse than when I was younger.
Lets back up a bit though. Its not like I just felt that way. Yesterday was a pretty nice day.
I got off work and waited for the boyfriend to come get me. I got in the car, sore as hell, and we drove off. He was talking about this computer he wanted and how his dad was willing to go halfsies with me and make it a Christmas present. Well we got into a little debate about some parts and he decided that I was stupid and he was going to stay rather quiet the rest of the way home.
We were going to dinner at nanas house (nana is his grandmother...grandma is mine) and he wanted to show me a list of parts that came with this deal which was conveniently located at home. He went in to get it but came out rather upset. Just saying, when someone goes in a house and comes out rather upset for no apparent reason, things will run through peoples heads. It wasnt any reason important (to me at least) just that when he tried to rig his controller so he didnt have to hold down a button to cheat, it didnt want to work.
Sometimes it does work but when it doesnt, I hear about it. In fact, I have been hearing about it for a while now. So why was last night so important?
Ladies and gents, during my cycle, I flip out into a very very unstable angry stage. Some women get purely emotional and cry. I cry but only because I really want to beat everyone with a bat over and over again if they highly upset me. Im on a pill that has caused me to emotionally cycle very rapidly. Usually I come home at night in a depressed phase. I always make sure boyfriend is watching...because I want him to see that Im doing this for him. Killing myself for him.
Of course this isnt my total logical thinking. It only happens at that time.
Back to last night. We were on our way to nanas when he continued to scream at me and be angry. Not a good day but he had the nerve to hand me this stupid computer list anyway. My back hurts and he had been screaming about stupid shit like this for the past couple of weeks. I flipped the fuck out. So I tore the list in half and screamed back. "Its just a stupid fucking game. It doesnt care about you and it never will. It only affects you because you let it." This must have been the wrong thing to yell because he stopped and told me to get out of the car. Apparently taking off my seat belt and trying to get out of the car was also the wrong thing because he then told me "no youre not going anywhere."
Needless to say, he didnt talk to me for the rest of the night. Seeing as we dont have a couch and have a studio set up, I decided to knock myself out.
This morning I woke up and he was moving stuff to our new "place" (we will be staying with nana for a bit.) Stiiilll not talking to me. Fine whatever. Do it yourself. He came home and wanted me to stay home from work. He wanted hugs and was now talking to me. He wanted to say sorry.
He is the biggest hypocrite I have met in my entire life. He can tell me everything Im doing wrong but God forbid if I tell him that he is overreacting. I accidentally scratch him and my sorry isnt enough but he can call me a retarded/stupid cunt, whore, slut, bitch, or something around those lines and his apologies are supposed to be accepted. Oh and get this. He told me that when you say sorry youre supposed to mean it and not do it again.
fwahahaha
In short, I have been looking for places to move. Im kind of tired of him. It is like taking care of a 5 year old except he isnt 5...he is 21. When I try to bring it up to him, he pouts and says "FINE." Dont get me wrong, there are many good qualities as well but Im seriously starting to wonder if theyre even worth it anymore.
