Stuck

"Youre in such a hurry to grow up"

That is what he said to me today.  Lets go back in time though.

When I was in high school, I wanted to just get out.  In fact, I wanted to move to the bumfuck middle of nowhere or at least a place surrounded by nature.  I wanted to see trees, creeks, or plains when I looked out my window, not houses.  I wanted a koi pond and an altar outside.  I wanted children and a husband and to be free.  I wanted...security.

Now lets go forward.  I want to get out and move to the bumfuck middle of nowhere...well somewhere in the forest.  I want to see trees when I look out my window, not houses.  I want a koi pond that surrounds my altar outside.  I want children and to be with this guy I love so much forever and to be...free.

Wait...same thing is it not?

So maybe it isnt so much that Im in a hurry to grow up, just in a hurry to finish a dream I have carried with me for over four years and havent even started on.  I know that Im jealous of all of my friends with children...they made it work.  Hell the best friend I have in the previous post is a babysitter...and that is it.  I have a job and likely make double (if not triple) of what she does.  But theyre making it work!

again...happy for her...just jealous. 

It really didnt help since it was something I wanted but got back on the pill to make him feel better.  That is ok though because now I am doing stuff for me.  I need to start living this dream I had when I was a teenager.  Clearly it was more than some little phase.  No, I want need this serenity.  I havent had a place of my own to just chill in years.  It is clearly not that I want to grow up too fast but rather Im just stuck being a jealous teenager even at the age of 21.  I hate him sometimes...I really do.

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The art of being human

Im sure when the slave ant looks to us, they look to us and ask the world why they cant be human?  Being human means making your own decisions and stepping on animals nowhere near as "great" and changing the world.

What the ant doesnt understand is that great power leads to great destruction, not only to the world but oneself.

Im not being pessimistic today...really.  I have been destroying myself lately.  Not physically...just mentally.

I think it is safe to say that most women pull themselves out of their own mental trouble eventually.  I can say that my mind is emotionally scrambled and deteriorating but I will get on a platform and fix it eventually.  That is who I am but until then....

Its the fact that, there was something I had very dear to me, a flower.  It wilted not because of any natural cause but because I, as a human, forced it to.  I didnt want to but the people around me convinced me that it was the best thing to do.  I didnt regret it till now really...now when everyone is getting flowers and all will get to see them bloom.  I feel like I should feel happy especially since one of those flowers belongs to a dear friend of mine.  Deep down inside, I am happy ecstatic for her!  But on top of all that happiness is jealousy.

I have been a sour person to her in some points of life.  I have always been jealous to be honest.  Im not as sincere, nice, pretty or smart which turned into me not being as laid back as I used to be...


...as laid back as her....


But dear world, I have never tried to be like her honestly.  It is a mere coincidence that we like a lot of the same things.  I can safely say that I love many things that she hates and were ok with that.  After all, were two different people!
Who am I to make the flowers of life wait for me when they have nothing to do with me?  It isnt really her.  In fact, I think that I can easily say this is jealousy overload.  EVERYONE around me is doing it...except me.  Heck I even get to watch as another best friend pair does it together.
I hate the fact that I can be so honest with myself about things like this.

Dearest loving friend you know who you are.  I cant say this to your face because...well youve known me long enough to know how that goes.  Im sorry for all those horrible things I have done and I truly am happy for you guys.  I hope all goes well.


and that is truly from the bottom of my heart?



Whew that feels better.  

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